“The Garden Column”

© Eddie Rhoades
BittersweetGardens.Com

You think writing a garden column is easy? Actually it is rather easy. Like the garden itself, you start with a seed of an idea, a theme and you build on that. A lot of articles out there and books too are chock full of good information – what I call the 1, 2, 3, A, B. C of gardening: “Plant seed A one inch deep in soil mix B two weeks after last frost date. Seed will germinate in three weeks.” Wow! Isn’t that exciting? No, it’s really not. There’s no human interest. People want to read about real, live gardeners like themselves.

I once titled a column “Fall In the Garden.” Then all these people started calling me up and saying they did exactly what I said and “fell” in their garden. Now they were thinking about suing me, which brings up a hypothetical question: If you were stranded on an island with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer, and you had a gun with two bullets, who would you shoot? The answer is Don’t take any chances, shoot the lawyer twice. See how much good, useful gardening information you get from reading my columns.

Oh, I could tell you that it’s Fall and this is the best time for planting trees and shrubs but wouldn’t you rather wait? Since you have to come up with a New Year’s resolution anyhow, why don’t you wait till then to promise to plant all those plants you bought on impulse and have sitting in pots around the back yard, the driveway and the front porch? In the meantime you could be doing artsy-crafty stuff like making a wreath out of kudzu vines with painted pine cones and magnolia leaves. If it turns out good enough maybe you could tie it to the grille of your car.

Since all the leaves are fallen it has exposed the bare bones of my garden. I’m thinking it wouldn’t take too much to turn my garden into a putt-putt golf course. Maybe I could earn some extra money that way. I’m sure not making any off my sign that says: “Garden Tours 25 cents.” And nobody ever puts money in my parking meter. They think it’s a joke. Now I ask you, would I joke about something as serious as gardening?